


The Diary of Kara Zor-El

by ValkyrieNine



Series: Season Five Pain Killer [6]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Complete, Completed, Diary/Journal, F/F, Finished, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Friendship/Love, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Longing, Love Confessions, Love/Hate, OTP Feels, Post Reveal, Soulmates, SuperCorp, SuperCorpisEndgame, Supercorp s5, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-07-28 17:23:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20067748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValkyrieNine/pseuds/ValkyrieNine
Summary: In an attempt to win Lena back, Kara shares her most intimate thoughts via her journal. Kara needs Lena to understand just how much she trusts her and there is no better way than to read what she was feeling through all of their important moments together. 😁





	1. Trust Declared

**Author's Note:**

  * For [poupame](https://archiveofourown.org/users/poupame/gifts), [ArcAngeluS81](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcAngeluS81/gifts), [iamgoku](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamgoku/gifts), [Picmonster50](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Picmonster50/gifts), [DrowsyCapricorn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrowsyCapricorn/gifts), [theaxmarksthespot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theaxmarksthespot/gifts), [Myshipissyncing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myshipissyncing/gifts), [Jesse2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jesse2/gifts), [Illshipit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illshipit/gifts), [AgentReign_AvaLance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentReign_AvaLance/gifts), [Alliedstasis](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Alliedstasis), [SuperXenite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperXenite/gifts), [Rehim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rehim/gifts), [february28](https://archiveofourown.org/users/february28/gifts), [eriley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eriley/gifts), [mcgrathedits](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgrathedits/gifts), [HedaKomWakanda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HedaKomWakanda/gifts), [Lenalou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lenalou/gifts), [defygravity79](https://archiveofourown.org/users/defygravity79/gifts), [supergirl_swift](https://archiveofourown.org/users/supergirl_swift/gifts), [Polartiggy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polartiggy/gifts), [SAJJBristo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SAJJBristo/gifts), [dm13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dm13/gifts), [blueclyde](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueclyde/gifts), [Super__Gay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Super__Gay/gifts), [MoxainLovesNox](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoxainLovesNox/gifts), [dani_ela](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dani_ela/gifts), [SWLandsuperartist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SWLandsuperartist/gifts), [Phoenix83](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix83/gifts), [eliley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eliley/gifts), [Jeeky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeeky/gifts), [QuiteTheScreamer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuiteTheScreamer/gifts), [gaykryptonian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaykryptonian/gifts), [DBrooke84](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DBrooke84/gifts), [SuperAgentReignSanversAriasCorp666](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperAgentReignSanversAriasCorp666/gifts), [Brisa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brisa/gifts), [lKaraDanvers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lKaraDanvers/gifts).

Lena tossed and turned all night. The image of Kara’s face haunted Lena’s dreams. Her pillow was soaked with tears.

Lena sat up and pounded her fists on the bed.

“Damn you Kara!”, Lena screamed. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She sobbed uncontrollably. Her head was pounding and she knew she didn’t have a prayer of falling back to sleep in her current state.

Lena looked over at the clock. Her vision was blurred but she could see it was a quarter to three in the morning.

“Great. I have to be up in four hours.”

Lena climbed out of bed and walked into the kitchen. She warmed up some milk and poured two shots of whisky in the mug. She sat in the chair in front of the window. She looked out at National City. The lights sparkled. Somehow the beauty of the city at night made Lena feel more lonesome. She hated herself for missing Kara. She missed her beautiful smile, her sweet voice, her goofy laugh. Lena missed everything about Kara but she was too furious to see her. She was too full of rage to shut out the darkness that was overwhelming her.

Lena felt so cold she couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t the temperature. She hadn’t felt warm or safe since she found out about Kara. Kara had been the thought that kept her warm at night. The image of her sweet smile, her beautiful eyes and the feel of her arms were always Lena’s happy thought. It was the way Kara loved Lena that kept her the warmest. Her love was like a warm blanket during a storm. Lena knew no matter how many people stood against her, Kara was always right by her side. She knew that until Kara’s ugly betrayal came out.

Lena hated that she was the last person in Kara’s life to know her secret. Lex’s words ran through her mind and every time she felt like a knife was stabbing her in the heart. She always believed that she was one of the most important people to Kara. She felt so small and meaningless in Kara’s life now and her heart was in agony.

Lena was still trying to cope with the embarrassment of being the last person to find out Kara’s secret. She was still battling with the anger and darkness she felt when she thought about Kara’s betrayal. She was battling with the fact that right before she found out about Kara, her feelings of love had turned into so much more. Lena had fallen in love with Kara and she was going to tell her. She was going to tell her that she was not only Lena’s best friend but Lena suspected she might also be the love of her life. Her soulmate.

Lena was completely useless after she found out about Kara’s secret. She wanted to look tough and pulled together but inside her heart was dying. She slept and she wept. She had become proficient at sleeping the hours she couldn’t weep.

She needed some air. Lena opened the door to her balcony and walked outside. It was a brisk night. The bracing air did nothing to relax her mind but she felt like she could finally take a deep breath.

Lena looked down and was shocked to find a large black box with an emerald green bow. A single red rose laid over the box.

She looked around confused. She grabbed the box and brought it inside. She removed the bow and opened the box.

Inside she found a large brown journal and a note. Lena opened the envelope and read the missive.

_Dearest Lena,_

_I’m not going to make you read through an entire letter to read this. I miss you. I love you. I don’t know where I belong in this world if I’m not by your side._

_No matter what you have done or what you will do, no matter what harm you have caused me, I will never stop loving you. I cannot express enough how much I trust you and love you. Lena, I’m in love with you._

_Enclosed is something I consider almost as precious as you. It is my journal. I have kept this journal and written in it every day since the day I became a journalist. That just so happened to correspond with meeting you. When I read back through my journal I found one thing that was very interesting. No matter what was going on in my life, no matter what horrible hell we faced or who I was dating, you were the most prevalent person in my journal hands down. I think if you want to know how I was feeling since the day we met, this is the best way for you to see it. Fair warning, it is unedited and my growing feelings for you will become quite obvious. I hope this journal helps you understand me more. Lena, I love you with everything I am or will ever be._

_Please read this journal and if you want to scream and punch me, I will be by your side. I would rather you hit me and kick me than ignore me. I would rather you kill me than make me live without you._

_Forgive me for the decisions I’ve made. I made them all because I love you. I hope you can believe that much. You don’t just have my heart Lena. You are my heart and you always will be._

_Very Simply Your Kara_

Lena held the letter in her hands. She was shaking uncontrollably. She wondered if it was the cold or her heart starting to beat again after so long.

She opened the journal.

_Day 1_

_My world is falling apart._

_ Cat is leaving._

_ My new boss hates me.  
_

_ A new alien is threatening National City. I think he is from Krypton but he is not a good person. _

_Cat is leaving and my heart is breaking. I bought this journal with the intent of documenting my exciting new life as a journalist but it is already going downhill. My new boss Snapper hates me, I will never be a real journalist if he doesn’t respect me, and the person I look up to the most in this world is leaving me. I can’t explain the agony of losing my mentor, my friend and the wisest, albeit rudest, person I’ve ever known. She is a part of me even though she called me Keira since the day we met. She is part of my origin story. Whatever I accomplish in the future will be because of Cat. I don’t know how I can possibly cope without her. She gave me this gift and I want to make her proud._

_I was hoping this first entry would be more cheerful but I am truly lower than I have been in so long. Hopefully I will have happier news to report soon._

_I’m going to eat leftover potstickers and pass out._

Lena turned to the next page. It felt strange to get this unedited glimpse of how Kara was really feeling.

Day 2

_So, things are looking up. I just published my first article, I think I finally understand Snapper better and I think I have a new friend. Lena Luthor, sister of the notorious Lex Luthor. Kal -El’s mortal enemy. We didn’t get off to the greatest start. Her alien detection device put me on edge and her views about people having the right to expose aliens who mean the people no harm were jarring and yet I can’t get her off my mind. She is extremely intelligent, kind, patient and stoic in all the right ways. She is unlike anyone I have ever met. When I went to see her after the article was published, I felt a strange connection to her. I think she and I are going to be friends. I want to protect her. I think National City doesn’t want to give her a chance but I will. When I look into her eyes, I trust her. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because when I look at her I don’t see a Luthor. I just see Lena._

_I’m not sure why I can’t get her off my mind but one thing is clear. I need to break up with James. There is nothing there. I suppose the way I know there is nothing there is I can’t erase the image of Lena from my mind and I am supposed to be seeing James. Jeez. What does this all mean.?_

_I’ll stop rambling and go to bed. Supergirl had a tough few days but for Kara, things are looking up._


	2. Falling For Lena Luthor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena continues to read Kara’s most intimate thoughts and faces the realization that the mere act of giving Lena the journal shows how much Kara trusts her. 
> 
> Posting a second chapter for funzies. 🤗♥️

Lena ran her fingers over the words “Maybe it’s because when I look at her I don’t see a Luthor. I just see Lena.”

Lena knew in her heart she should finish drinking her milk and go to sleep but she had to keep reading.

_DAY 3_

_It’s been a while since I was able to write. Things have been crazy for Kara and Supergirl. Supergirl met the President. President Marsdin was unbelievably kind and I believe that with her at the helm, aliens everywhere will feel a little safer. I know I do. The alien from Daxam I spoke about in my last entry, Mon-El started off as an annoyance but I am starting to see that he isn’t such a bad person after all. He has a good heart and while he annoyed me to no end at the beginning, I know I need to give him a chance. I got him a job at CatCo to help him blend in and protect his real identity._

_Then there’s Lena. I don’t know why I trust her the way I do. I take one look into her eyes and I see good, I see love and I see justice. I see a woman who has fought against the world to prove that she isn’t like the rest of her family. Oh yeah, her mom, Lillian is the head of Cadmus, an evil organization that tried to wipe out all of the aliens in National City but Lena stopped her. See what I mean? Lena is good. I know it in my heart. I know it every time I see her._

_When I go to her office and we sit and talk, it’s so strange. Neither of us can stop smiling. There is this strange connection we have that whenever we are together I think we are just happier. I see her smile and it is infectious. She makes me smile. The weird thing is that every time I see her I’m nervous. I’m not sure why. At first I believed I was nervous because she was so rich and powerful but she has always been so kind and approachable. Then I thought I was nervous because she is so smart and successful but she always encourages me and makes me feel amazing. I finally realized I’m nervous when I see her because I adore her. She is so smart, so strong, so dedicated to good. Not to mention stunning. Oh Rao. I can’t believe I just wrote that but it’s true. She is like looking at a supermodel. Her bright green eyes, that beautiful skin, and her lips. Her perfect lips. When she looks at me with that big beaming grin I feel like she can see right into my soul. I feel like she can see my thoughts and I have the hardest time not blushing. I feel like such a dork._

_It’s funny, I feel like we had our first date. Lena invited me and Supergirl to her Charity fundraiser, granted, it ended up being an elaborate trap the brilliant Lena set up. She takes risks and that scares me. It scares me because I want to protect her. I want to keep her safe from harm. I want to wrap my cape around her and protect her from the terrible dangers of this world. She’s too smart, too brave, and way too stubborn to just stand there and let me protect her. She is a doer and I think that is why I love her. Did I just write I love her. My Rao. Seriously. What is going on?Thank Rao she will never see this. Can you imagine? I would die of embarrassment._

_Operation Doubtfire was a success but I hated lying to Lena. I want Lena to know who I am. I want her to know everything about me. When I sit quietly with her, when it is just the two of us, I want to tell her everything but how can I? If she knows my secret she will be in danger. If I tell her who I am, her mother could use that information as leverage against her. If I tell her who I am, she could hate me. I’m an alien, I lied and the closer we become, the harder it is to tell her because I don’t want her to hate Kara. I need her in my life. I need her so bad. I need those precious moments when we stare into each other's eyes and can’t stop smiling. I need those moments when she is kind to Supergirl but I know she is so much kinder to Kara. I can feel her love with Kara. I really love that. Why do I keep saying love?_

_Operation Doubtfire was ridiculous. I was going back and forth changing from Supergirl to Kara because both sides of me needed to be there for Lena. Both sides of me needed to support her and protect her. I know I can’t keep this up much longer but when she said “a super and a Luthor”, my heart melted. She was right. There is something special and unique about our relationship. I love us as friends. I love her. I love her lips. I know I mentioned that but I can’t help it. She has perfect lips._

_Anyway, this entry is strange. Lots of things happening with an alien fight club, Mon-El is kind, Cadmus are a bunch of jerks and I think I am falling for Lena Luthor. Ha! A super and a Luthor. I miss her. I always miss her when we aren’t together. _

Lena couldn’t believe what she was reading.

“She was falling for me that early? I mean yeah…I felt the same way when we would sit in my office. I couldn’t stop smiling with her. My face always hurt after she left.”

Lena ran her fingers along certain passages.

_I take one look into her eyes and I see good, I see love and I see justice._

_ Lena is good. I know it in my heart. I know it every time I see her._

_I finally realized I’m nervous when I see her because I adore her. She is so smart, so strong, so dedicated to good. Not to mention stunning. Oh Rao. I can’t believe I just wrote that but it’s true._

Lena felt her face flush with warmth.

“She thinks I’m stunning? Has she looked in the mirror?”, Lena whispered to herself.

_I want to wrap my cape around her and protect her from the terrible dangers of this world. She’s too smart, too brave, and way too stubborn to just stand there and let me protect her._

“True. I am stubborn but I still wanted her to protect me. I always wanted her to be there.”

_She is like looking at a supermodel. Her bright green eyes, that beautiful skin, and her lips. Her perfect lips. When she looks at me with that big beautiful grin I feel like she can see right into my soul. I feel like she can see my thoughts and I have the hardest time not blushing. I feel like such a dork._

“A supermodel Kara? Really? I had a hard time not blushing too. The way you looked at me and smiled so warmly. It was so genuine and sweet. It was too much. You weren’t a dork. You were sweet and you made me smile in a way I never thought possible.”

_She is a doer and I think that is why I love her. Did I just write I love her. Jeez. Seriously. What is going on? Thank Rao she will never see this. Can you imagine? I would die of embarrassment._

Lena laughed out loud and then she felt a warmth spread through her chest when she read the words “I love her”. Lena could feel her pulse quicken. She could feel flutters in her chest.

When Lena read the that Kara was worried she would die of embarrassment, she realized just how hard it must have been for Kara to give her something so precious, so revealing.

_I love us as friends. I love her. I love her lips. I know I mentioned that but I can’t help it. She has perfect lips._

Lena froze. She ran her fingers over the words “I love us as friends.”

“I did too. I loved us as friends. I loved that I had someone in this world who loved me unconditionally. I loved that you were my friend practically from day one Kara. I loved that you were always loyal and stood by my side.”

Lena flushed with heat when she read Kara’s words about her lips. Lena pressed her fingers to her lips. She couldn’t believe that all those times she sat across from Kara with that goofy smile that she was thinking all of these things.

_I am falling for Lena Luthor. Ha! A super and a Luthor. I miss her._

Lena’s heart ached. She drank down the last of her milk and whiskey concoction. She ran her fingers along the words “I am falling for Lena Luthor”. Lena began to sob uncontrollably.

“I miss you too Kara. So much.”

Lena couldn’t bare to read anymore. She closed the journal tight and held it to her chest. She continued to sob.

She looked out at the window. The lights of the city were still shinning bright and Lena felt the shield of ice around her heart starting to melt a little. She took the journal to her safe and locked it up tight. She placed her hand on the safe and closed her eyes.

“Thank you for trusting me with this Kara. I just wish you had trusted me with your secret.”

Lena turned around and walked to her bed. She climbed in, closed her eyes and fell fast asleep.


	3. Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena plays hooky to keep reading. She can’t resist Kara’s gift.

Lena tossed and turned for a few hours but her mind raced, her heart pounded wildly in her chest and she felt like she couldn’t take a breath without hurting. She missed Kara with every fiber of her being.

Lena rolled over and turned on the light. She reached over and grabbed her phone. She scrolled through her contacts and stopped on Kara’s name. She just stared at her name, wondering if she would ever be able to just casually call Kara again.

_Kara Danvers (my BFF)_

She wanted desperately to press Send. She wanted to hear her voice, see her smile, feel her warm arms wrapped around her in a comforting embrace but she couldn’t. She couldn’t do it. She was still angry. Even now, after reading Kara’s thoughts, she couldn’t forgive her deception. Everyone in their lives knew except for Lena. She felt like an idiot. She had yet to read anything that explained Kara’s motives.

She continued to scroll and landed on L-Corp. She opened a new text message to her assistant.

_Feeling under the weather. Please cancel all of my meetings for the day. I will be in tomorrow. Thanks._

“Did I just do that? What the hell is wrong with me?”, Lena asked herself immediately after she clicked Send.

Lena climbed out of bed and walked over to her safe. She unlocked the safe and pulled out Kara’s journal. She held it close to her body and closed her eyes. She imagined Kara wrapped in her arms. She returned to her bed and propped up the pillows. She got back under the covers and flipped Kara’s gift open to where she left off.

_DAY 4_

_I am so angry!!! Stupid James!_

Lena smiled.

_Okay, I know it has been a while since I wrote and I should probably be filling this diary with all of the things that have happened in the past few weeks but I am so mad. So so mad._

_Lena, my friend, the woman I long to be near, whom I trust more than life itself, testified against Lillian today. She is so brave and so kind._

_James, decided to rant about how he doesn’t think Lena can be trusted. He condemned her for being a Luthor and he said that he is worried about her using her friends…meaning me. He's an idiot. Rao help me! I wanted to punch him but it helped ease some of my anger when Winn almost killed him with a cue ball. HA! Jerk._

Lena was used to Kara always being on the side of light and kindness. It was nice to see that Kara could be mad, even if it was only in her private thoughts. What made it even more touching was that she was mad because she was defending Lena.

_The problem is that everyone in National City seems to have something against Lena. If they only knew her the way I know her. Her beautiful eyes hide nothing from me. I can see deep down into her soul and all I see is good._

Lena’s heart melted.

_I wish the people of National City (and my ignorant friends) knew how warm and kind she is. If they only knew how hard she fights to be good, they would see the woman I see. They would see a woman worth loving unconditionally the way I see her. I love her so much my heart hurts when we’re apart. How could someone evil have stolen Supergirl’s heart?_

Lena leaned back and rubbed her neck. “Oh Kara. How were you so loyal? You barely knew me.”

Lena ran her fingers along the words “loving unconditionally” and realized that through everything, every step of the way, Kara was there for her. Kara was there for her and Kara did love her unconditionally.

She re-read the words “How could someone evil have stolen Supergirl’s heart” and she ached to kiss her. She loved that. She loved that she had Kara’s heart even then.

“I did so little for you and you were so kind to me. You came to me and cared for me in a way I had never imagined Kara. I just wish I could see your face and not feel angry and sad.”

_When I saw her on TV testifying, I felt helpless. I wished I could have been there by her side but she didn’t ask and I would never impose._

“Oh my God. I totally wanted you to be there but I felt weird asking. I didn’t know if you would want to be associated with me.”

_I longed to see her and support her and hold her in my arms. If I’m being honest with myself, I am always looking for an excuse to be near her. I love when we are together. She makes me smile so much and every time I make her smile, blush and avert her eyes, I feel such a tug at my heart._

_I need to go see her. I need to be near her and love her even if she doesn’t love me back. I need to try and bring a smile to her face. I know she probably needs someone who will listen to her and support her. Rao knows, she doesn’t have much of that these days._

_I’ll buy donuts. Even Lena Luthor has to love donuts, right?_

_DAY 5_

_Help me Rao. What have I done?_

_So, last night I grabbed some donuts and headed to L-Corp, fully prepared for her to kick me out but she was so sweet, once she realized I was there as a friend and not as a reporter. I love Lena. She’s not a story to me. She feels like home._

Lena felt her tears start to well up in her eyes.

“I love that you didn’t see me as a story. You just saw me as your friend. You felt like home too. Even back then. God, no one made me smile the way you did. I looked forward to seeing you every time we got together.”

_She was so wounded and hurt. People in National City have been so cruel and it was so painful to watch her suffer._

_We sat on the couch and ate donuts and she told me that it felt good to testify and distance herself from the Luthor name. I looked into her beautiful eyes and I could see it was true. I could see in that genuine smile that she wanted to stand up for good and embrace the light. I have been so proud of Lena, so proud to call her my friend on so many occasions but I was never more proud than I was talking to her on that couch._

_Lena told me that Lillian wanted to see her and like an idiot, I pushed her to go and get closure. What is wrong with me? Why did I do it? Now she’s in trouble and I am the only person who believes her. I have some serious family issues that I put on her and that wasn’t fair. I know that deep down Lena still loves Lillian (Only Rao knows why), and I wanted her to have the closure I never got with my family who are all gone. It was so selfish. Lena, I am so so sorry._

_She visited Lillian like I suggested but now everyone thinks that Lena snuck kryptonite into Metallo’s cell. He helped Lillian Luthor escape and everyone is freaking out._

_Maggie was at the DEO and happened to tell me and Alex that they suspected Lena because she was the only visitor at the prison. It’s insane. Why am I the only person that sees the good in Lena?_

_I feel like I’m spinning out of control. I need to help her. She didn’t help Metallo and she didn’t help him free Lillian. I don’t care what anyone says. She thinks Lillian is a monster and she didn’t want to go to begin with. This is all my fault and I need to fix it._

_I need to go to her. I need to warn her. I know Maggie and Alex would be upset but I have to do something. I love her and I need to protect her._

_DAY 5 continued_

_Things got so much worse. I hate myself right now but I need to pull myself together and help Lena._

_Things got SO much worse. Lena has been arrested. They have a video of her with kryptonite. Lena looked me in the eyes as Maggie arrested her and she told me it wasn’t her and she didn’t do it. I tried to get Maggie to let her explain but she shut me down. Jerk. I don’t care if you’re dating my sister. Lena is my family too._

Kara…oh God Kara…I love you so much. You were my family. The family I chose. The family I needed the most.

_Things blew up at CatCo. I got into a heated argument with jerk-face Snapper and James, who I now believe is the most contemptible human being on the planet. He allowed Snapper to print an article about Lena. That was the last thing she needed but James and his stupid issues hurt Lena and I don’t think I can forgive him._

_I swear, it’s like he knows my feelings for Lena are so much more intense than anything I feel for him. Everything with him has been so forced and contrived. I have loved Lena since day one._

_The most infuriating part of the conversation was when he said he was concerned Lena was pulling the long con on me because she betrayed Lillian. Rao grant me patience because every time I think about that I want to scream._

_She is good. She has done nothing but help me and I am so sick of James and his ignorance._

_Then James goes and plays dress up and tries to catch Metallo and Lena. Metallo took Lena. James makes me sick with this Guardian nonsense. He has no super powers and he is just going to get himself killed. I can’t even hide my disgust. I can barely look at him._

_I had to stand inside the DEO and face off with James, Alex, J’onn and Winn. They all think Lena is a member of Cadmus and evil but I know she isn’t. I know she is good and we need to help her. I am so sick of everyone in my life, except Lena. How sad is that?_

_James tried to give me some load of nonsense about Clark and Lex and how they used to be friends. I wish James would just shut up. I was so angry all I could do is storm off and hit large concrete blocks. I wanted to rip James’ head off. He’s lucky I walked away when I did. I swear, I don’t know why he keeps trying to convince me Lena is bad. I don’t care what he says. I believe in Lena._

_Day 6_

_I have been trying to find a way to prove Lena is innocent and I finally found something! I worked with a reluctant Winn and we figured out that the real Hank Henshaw’s code was used to create a fake video of Lena with the kryptonite. It was the real Hank Henshaw who had the kryptonite, not Lena. I can prove it and finally show everyone that my Lena is innocent._

“My Lena? Why do I love that so much. I’m still angry. Damn you Kara. I am so confused.”

_Day 6 continued_

_We found Corben. The kryptonite he was using was unstable and was about to blow. Alex, J’onn and Winn tried to tell me not to go to Lena but I would never abandon her. Never. I would rather die than lose Lena. I would risk my life a million times over to protect her._

_Lena was so surprised when I showed up but I told her that Kara Danvers believed in her because I do and I always will, Always._

_The one thing that Lena needs to understand is that if it is in Kara’s or Supergirl’s power to help her in any way, she will never be alone. She will never need to face villains alone. I will always be there._

“You’ve never let me down that way. You have always been there for me Kara. I don’t like you but you know I love you more than anyone else in this world. God, I can’t believe I dated James. Jerk is right!”

_Metallo exploded but we were able to escape. Even if I had given my life and Lena survived, I would have been just fine. Lena is worth risking my life. She is too beautiful, too kind and too misunderstood by the world to abandon. She will always have me as long as she wants me. Oh Rao…I hate to think of a day when she wouldn’t want me by her side. I would probably lose my will to live. Please don’t ever let that happen._

Lena began to sob.

“Kara…please don’t lose your will to live. Please don’t give up.”

_Lena was vindicated (of course!), Snapper and James got to eat crow and it was wonderful._

_I wrote an article about Lena’s innocence because that is what she deserved. Everything I write about Lena is a love letter. I need the world to see her the way I do._

“If only”, Lena said with a chuckle. She leaned over and grabbed the box of tissues sitting on her side table and blew her nose.

_I went to L-Corp to see Lena. She was wearing this amazing black leather top. To be honest, it was hard for me to concentrate. She is so beautiful, I actually feel flutters in my chest. Sometimes I just watch her talk and wonder how soft her lips are. I’m hopeless. I could barely think or breathe. That outfit! Come on!_

_We sat on her couch and she thanked me for the article and for believing in her. What she doesn’t realize is that no thanks were necessary. I would do anything within my power, and maybe slightly beyond that, to ensure that she is warm, safe and loved. I know I will have to keep fighting for her and I am okay with that._

_How did I forgot to mention that Lena filled my office full of flowers? It was such a beautiful gesture and so confusing. Do friends usually send dozens of arrangements to say thank you? It felt more like a rom-com moment. They were so beautiful and I felt so special._

_I thanked Lena for filling my office with flowers but she said she was happy to do it because I was the one who sent Supergirl. The way she smiled at me. I blushed so hard. Every time she smiles at me I lose my mind. Can she see it? Can she see how much I care for her?_

“I never knew you cared this much. I got the sense that you loved me in a way no one had before but I assumed it was just friendship. I had no idea Kara and you’re right…when I sent the flowers I knew it wasn’t just a friendly gesture. Maybe there was a part of me that loved you and wanted to show you just how much.”

Lena smiled a little but it was a sad smile.

_She told me that she has never had a friend or family like me before and that no one has ever stood up for her like that. I told her that now she has someone who will always stand up for her and I meant it with all of my heart. I will always stand up for her. The sad thing is that I looked over at her I realized she could never love me the way I love her._

“Why? What did I do to make you think that Kara?”

_Then she got me when she said “Supergirl may have saved me but Kara Danvers, you’re my hero.”_

_I almost died right there. I could have died happy. I love Lena so much. I would give her the world. I would do anything to keep her safe and warm and protect her._

_The problem is that I don’t think Lena sees me as anything but a friend. I wish she could see me as something more. I wish she could see me as someone she would want to date and love and maybe settle down with but she is perfect and I am just Kara._

“Shut up. Just Kara? You are my sweet, beautiful, hero. You are so beautiful and warm. I hate this so much…being away from you like this.”

_I must admit my thoughts have drifted towards Mon-El. He is kind and good looking and I am wondering if it is even worth trying to make Lena love me. I know with all of my heart she loves me as a friend but as much as we smile at each other I can’t hold out hope we could ever be more._

“Ugh, Mon-El. I wasn’t looking forward to reading about this. Wait, did she just say she considered dating Mon-El because she didn’t think I could ever love her? Why does that make this slightly easier to tolerate?”

_Maybe, maybe if I dated someone else she would be jealous and see that I could be more. Oh Rao, Kara. That’s insane. This isn’t some crazy movie. Maybe I’m just lonely. Maybe I need to be realistic. Lena Luthor is rich, gorgeous, sophisticated and from what I can tell, straight as an arrow._

_I like Mon-El and I think maybe I just need to see if I can carry on a relationship and be Supergirl. At least Mon-El knows who I am._

“Who’s fault is that Kara?”, Lena asked aloud. She could feel her anger boil up again. “I am definitely not over this.”

_I want to tell Lena who I am. I want to tell her so bad but I can’t. I’m sure if I asked James or Alex if I should tell her they would say no because she can’t be trusted. That’s not the reason why I’m not telling her. I’m not telling her because even now, after only knowing her for a brief period of time, she is the most important person to me in this world. I have this reoccurring nightmare where I have to chose between Alex and Lena and I can’t decide. That is how important she is to me. I could never tell Alex that. She would never understand._

_I literally flew straight into a giant ball of exploding kryptonite to save her. I love her so much and she means everything to me. She means the world to me. If she knows my secret she is in danger. If she knows, she won’t see Kara. She will only see Supergirl and I love the way she looks at Kara. I love that smile, that grin, those beautiful sparkling eyes. She looks at me with so much love. If I ever lose that I think I might die._

Lena ran her fingers over the last sentence. She wondered if Kara was really hurting this bad. Deep down, Lena knew it was probably so much worse. She and Kara had been through hell together. They had fought every kind of villain, shared so many meals and conversations on her office couch. They were so much closer. Lena knew this journal was probably very hard to give up. She knew it was Kara’s desperate plea.

_Supergirl doesn’t get that. Supergirl gets respect and admiration. Kara, she gets Lena’s love completely. I am a horrible person but I can’t lose that. I can’t lose Lena. I think I would die. My whole world would end._

_I’m a mess. I need to stop being so alone. I’m calling Mon-El. Either Lena will never love me and I won’t be alone or Lena will be jealous and finally show me that I am more than just a friend to her. She is my world and I wish I could be hers._

_I miss her so much. I miss her every time I leave her. I wish I could just call her and chat with her but she is so high above me. I feel weird just calling her. If she ever wonders why I show up at L-Corp it is because it is a safe place. If she can’t see me, I know there is a good reason, but when I go to L-Corp it’s because I can’t think about anything but her and I need to see her desperately._

_Anyway, I’m going to talk to Mon-El. I know it’s crazy but my heart hurts and I need something, anything to make the pain go away._

_Lena, wherever you are, I hope you know that I love you, I trust you, I believe in you, I support you and I miss you every minute of every day that we aren’t together._

_I don’t know what will happen but hopefully my next entry will contain some good news._


	4. Whole Again

Lena closed the journal and let out a sharp sigh.

“I don’t understand you Kara. Why did you think I was too high above you? You always could have called me. I thought you knew how much I cared for you even in the early days. I wanted to talk to you. There were times I longed to hear your voice but you always seemed to want to talk at L-Corp so I went along with it.”

Lena shook her head and caressed the page.

“I wanted you to know more about my life and I wanted to know more about yours. I’ve always wanted that. I know I’m wealthy but I hope I never made you feel like I thought I was above you. It was quite the contrary. You were so beautiful, so honest, so good. It was hard to live up to you and your sterling conscience and reputation. You have this disarming smile and this infectious warmth that is impossible to compare to.”

Lena’s eyes welled up with tears again.

“When am I going to stop crying? I am so sick of being sad. I’m so sick of being angry.”

Lena wiped away the tears and clenched her jaw but it was no use. The flood gates opened.

“I just hate this so much Kara. I miss you so much I feel like my skin is on fire. I would give anything to hear your voice right now”, Lena said sobbing uncontrollably.

Lena held the journal between her hands. Her only consolation was that she held all of Kara’s most precious thoughts. Yes, it was emotionally taxing reading what Kara was feeling, but she was finally starting to understand where Kara was coming from.

“What am I going to read that is going to make this anger go away? I need this anger to go away so I can look at you and smile again Kara.”

Lena reached over and grabbed another tissue. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose.

She placed a reluctant finger between the pages of the journal and opened it to where she left off.

_DAY 7_

_Okay, so I called Mon-El and asked him to come to my apartment so we could talk. I felt like it was time for me to be honest and get things out in the open._

“Lucky Mon-El. When were you going to feel that way about me?”, Lena asked sadly.

_I was relieved to find out that Mon-El and Eve were no longer a thing and that Mon-El had no interest in her. That whole Mike/Eve thing was so creepy._

“I know this is awful but I think you and Mon-El were a little weird too. I mean…Mon-El was a really nice guy and you two were cute but your whole relationship seemed doomed to fail. Okay…maybe I was just jealous. When you started dating Mon-El, I felt you pull away from me and I hated that. I guess I loved your attention and I always felt like the most important person in your life. If your goal was to make me jealous, it worked big time.”

_We were about to kiss when a man named Mxyzptlk appeared out of nowhere. He popped up in my apartment and professed his love and proposed right there on the spot. It was so insane! Mon-El got upset and Mxyzptlk made Mon-El disappear. I later learned he was zapped away in his underwear straight to the DEO. I was terrified he had been sent to another world like Maaldoria._

_We discovered that our creepy little visitor was from the 5th dimension and had been watching me from afar. Super duper creepy. He fell in love with me and decided that he would woo me any way he could. This included things as outlandish as bringing back the Parasite just so he could defeat the monster dressed like Superman._

_I would like to point out that one of the romantic gestures Mxy used was filling my entire apartment full of flowers. I don’t know why but it reminded me of Lena and it made me smile. Not because I liked Mxy (only using this nickname because his full name is such a pain to spell) but because it lended further credence to the idea that no “friend” would fill a room with flowers. It really was the most wonderful, romantic gesture when Lena did it. Just weird and creepy when Mxy did it._

_Through the entire ordeal with Mxy, Mon-El was so freaking annoying. Rao grant me patience with him and anyone else out there that underestimates me._

“I would never underestimate you Kara. There is nothing you can’t do”, Lena said with a little smile.

_Mon-El talked about his history with the 5th dimension “imps” and said he wanted to kill him. Can you believe that? Come on. Does he even know me? I would NEVER condone murder. It’s scary that Mon-El immediately jumped to killing him._

_Thankfully Mon-El let slip how Mxy could be defeated and to be honest, I was more than a little perturbed with him for hiding this very helpful knowledge. He said all I needed to do was get him to say his name backwards. He could have given me the information right away but I’m sure he was hanging onto it so he could be the hero. So annoying! He even had the audacity to say that I wasn’t a good judge of what I could handle. I swear I am so sick and tired of people (the men in my life) telling me what I can and can’t handle. That is my business and I think I can handle a hell of a lot more than they think._

“Damn straight Kara. You’re not alone. Everyone thinks we are these damsels in distress but you’re a Super and I’m a damn Luthor. No one needs to tell us how to live our lives or protect ourselves.”

_No thanks to Mon-El, I was able to devise a plan to defeat Mxy and teach Mon-El a lesson._

_Mr. jealous, patronizing, man with the ego was about to get himself killed so I stepped in and agreed to marry Mxy. I tricked them both. Ha!_

_I told Mon-El that we were too different to make things work as part of the plan but I do wonder sometimes if it is true. The mere fact that Mon-El wanted to kill Mxy was deeply disturbing and his jealousy was a huge turn-off._

_Mon-El got himself into trouble fighting Mxy and I only agreed to marry him if he let Mon-El go. I was able to lure him to the fortress of solitude for the wedding and convince him to spell his name backwards to prevent the atomic cauldron from overloading. He spelled his name out and was sent away._

_I needed no assistance from anyone to pull off my plan. Just me. Just saying. God, I am so glad no one is ever going to read this. That sounded awful but how much more do I need to do to show people that I am strong and I can solve problems without a man telling me what to do?_

“Of course you did because you’re my brilliant Kara. You alway save the day”, Lena said rubbing a finger along the page.

_I find myself comparing Lena and Mon-El a lot these days. I know it’s not healthy but I can’t help it._

Lena’s mouth dropped.

“Why would you compare the two of us?”, Lena asked aloud.

_Lena worries so much about being bad or letting her dark side take over but her instincts are always sound. Her heart is always on the side of good. Early on, I worried that Lena would lean towards the dark but she has the most beautiful caring heart and I know her instinct would never be to kill someone without provocation. I know her heart would try to find a solution for the problem instead of letting anger and pain rule her world. I know because I have seen the good inside of her. I love her so much._

“I love you too Kara. I love you so much”, Lena said fighting back more tears.

_Mon-El on the other hand has frustrated me at every turn with his aggressiveness, his laziness, his darkness and his distrust. I know I am supposed to be helping him find his way but his instincts are all based on this macho, patronizing, warped reality and his heart seems to be conflicted. There are times when we are together that I feel completely happy and then there are times I wonder how I can even tolerate him. Is that normal? Should I have to try this hard?_

“No Kara. You never should have had to try so hard. It was the same with me and James. It took so much more energy than it should have.”

_Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep comparing everyone and everything to Lena? I guess it’s because I love her so much and she makes me feel warm and safe. I wish I could feel that warmth and safety more. It’s pathetic that Supergirl is seeking safety from someone else but when we are together I just feel like I can rest._

_Ugh! I don’t know. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I should just talk to Mon-El and figure this all out. I wish there was a good answer but I worry that I will just keep filling this diary with more questions._

Lena leaned back against the pillows and rubbed her eyes.

“Can I just skip all of this Mon-El crap?”

Lena opened the journal again.

_DAY 8_

_Mon-El and I slept together last night._

“Barf”, Lena said without a hint of humor. “Time to skim. I can’t handle this.”

Lena ran her eyes over the next few pages and tried to take in as little about Mon-El as possible.

_I feel good. I guess I feel better than I’ve felt in a long time. My heart has been feeling empty but I think I can make this thing with Mon-El work._

Lena skimmed the next few paragraphs and moved on.

_Mon-El is so annoying. Just when I think we can make this work he does something else that drives me crazy. I asked Mon-El not to tell anyone at the DEO that we were dating. I wanted to maintain some of my privacy and frankly, I didn’t need him running around making an ass out of himself saying things that were no one’s business._

_Of course he blurted it out the minute we got to the DEO. Sometimes I wish I could just hurl him back to where he came from but that’s not an option._

Lena let out a little chuckle.

“Jesus Mon-El…do you know her at all? Come on. Have you ever met Kara?”

Lena continued to skim.

_We found Jeremiah. We really found him and I am so happy I can barely contain myself. This all feels like some kind of crazy dream come true. He was kidnapped by Cadmus and forced to do their bidding but we have him home and safe. Alex is beyond thrilled and seeing Jeremiah and Eliza reunite was so touching Alex and I could barely contain ourselves. It was strange because Mon-El seemed suspicious of Jeremiah even though he doesn’t know him. He ruined my opportunity to see Eliza and Jeremiah reunite fully and it was really aggravating._

_I thought things would improve when we had our family dinner but they got so much worse. He acted totally weird with Jeremiah and when J’onn said he would take Jeremiah back at the DEO, Mon-El snapped and said horrible things. I was pretty sure Alex was going to kill him. I swear, every time I find a reason to like Mon-El, he does something like attack my family and it makes me want to scream._

Lena thought about Kara’s family. She and Alex had become so close. Lena was starting to feel like she had a wonderful makeshift family of her own. The pain of Kara’s lies still hadn’t subsided. Everyone knew except for her. She felt her anger return and she knew she should go back to reading.

_DAY 9_

_Mon-El came to me and tried to apologize. He’s an ass. He thinks that I will just keep letting him make mistakes but they never end. I can’t make it work with him. I am so done. I got into this relationship for all the wrong reasons. I need to move on. Maybe I really do need to be alone. Lena is too beautiful, powerful, successful and brilliant to ever see me as someone more than her silly friend and Mon-El will continue to screw up daily until I kill him._

“Kara! Come on. Why did you think that about me? You were too good for me. Not the other way around. I never in a million years would have thought someone as pure and beautiful as you would ever consider loving someone as damaged as me. Damnit Kara!”

Lena flipped through the pages and read through things she had heard about or witnessed. She found herself searching for her own name. She cared about the things that happened to Kara but she was looking for answers. She didn’t care about Mon-El or her reasoning for dating him. She wanted to know how Kara felt about her and if her feelings changed over time.

She read a few lines and they filled her with sadness. She wished she could go back in time and hold Kara.

_DAY 10_

_Jeremiah is bad. He is working with Cadmus and was cybernetically enhanced like the real Hank Henshaw. Poor Alex is devastated and I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I can’t stop crying. I feel so alone._

_DAY 11_

_Everything is falling apart. Cadmus got a copy of the Alien registry thanks to Jeremiah. Now, aliens are being kidnapped off the streets and we don’t know why._

_I tried to get Snapper to print an article about the kidnappings but he refused because he is a pompous little weasel. GRRR!_

Lena could feel Kara’s stress coming off the page as she read. Kara always handled things so calmly. She always gave Lena the impression that everything was under control. It made Lena love Kara a little more knowing how human she was. She may not like Kara but her love would never go away no matter how awful Kara’s lies were.

_Lena came to my office and I felt terrible. We were supposed to go check out a fermentation place but with everything going on with Cadmus, Alex getting suspended from the DEO for beating up a suspect and my article getting knocked down by Snapper, my head wasn’t in the right place._

_I do love seeing her at the office or at my apartment. I feel like no matter how bad things get, her smile allows me to center myself and take a deep breath. The fact that she takes time out of her busy schedule to see me warms my heart in a way I could never admit. She has no idea how beautiful she is to me. She has no idea how important she is to me. I’m scared if she knew how much I loved her she would run for the hills._

“I never would have run away from you. I would have been surprised if you told me all of this but I would have loved you back with equal dedication and passion. I think I always loved you. I think I was always in love with you. God, it sounds so weird to say that out loud.”

_Of course it only took Lena five minutes to give me an answer about my article. She suggested that if Snapper wouldn’t help, I should post it on my own and be a Citizen Journalist. Of course I know it is dangerous but I love that when I have a problem, Lena always helps me solve it._

_Lena also generously agreed to do some digging at L-Corp and see if she could follow the trail of breadcrumbs to help me find where Lillian and Cadmus might be keeping the kidnapped aliens. She is so wonderful. How could anyone think Lena was anything but good? She even said she would be happy to be my second source. What did I do to deserve a friend like her?_

“You believed in me from day one. You were loving and committed and you made me feel like I had the greatest friend in the world. I would have done anything for you. I have done things for you I would never do for anyone else. Jesus. Why do I keep talking to this journal like you’re here? It’s because I miss you Kara and I am so scared I will never be able to talk to you like this again. I’m scared I will never feel whole again.”

Lena put the journal aside and got out of bed. She stretched her arms and legs and took a few deep breaths. Reading Kara’s journal taxed her in a way she never would have imagined. She took a hot shower, grabbed some coffee and a snack and returned to the journal, determined to find the answers she was seeking.

_DAY 12_

_So much has happened._

_I published the article about the kidnapped aliens on my blog._

_Lena followed the breadcrumbs to Lillian and was attacked by some thugs. She was able to figure out exactly where Lillian and Cadmus were hiding the aliens and they didn’t like that._

_Thankfully we were on the phone when it happened and I was able to fly to L-Corp quickly and catch her as she fell over her balcony. It was strange. When I caught her and held her in my arms I wanted to kiss her so bad. It was scary. I worried that I wouldn’t get there in time._

“I loved you so much for saving me. I was so terrified but when you caught me, I knew I would never have to be afraid again. I loved both Kara and Supergirl that night.”

_I worried that the love of my life (who has no clue she has that distinction) would perish and I wouldn’t be able to do anything to stop it. You know, I’ve heard Clark talk about these fears when it comes to Lois. Love really is our strength and our weakness. I wonder if I should tell Clark how I feel about Lena._

_I was so angry that someone would attack Lena. I was able to dispatch the thugs and Lena told me exactly where we needed to go to find Lillian._

_Alex was suspended from the DEO but decided that she and Maggie should go after Jeremiah and Cadmus. Alex was convinced that Jeremiah was good and ended up getting herself trapped on a ship with 200 aliens bound for the other side of space._

_I had to find a way to stop the ship from hitting the portal. I needed to slow it down and I was so scared that I was going to fail. Alex stood in the window and looked at me with desperation in her eyes. I was terrified I was going to fail. I was so scared that I wouldn’t be strong enough to stop the ship and I would lose her forever._

_Alex put her hand on the window and looked at me with all of the love in her heart and I can’t explain it. I dug as deep as I could. I used every single fiber of my being and strength and I was able to stop the ship. When the ship stopped I placed my hand on the glass to let Alex know that if it wasn’t for her, I never would have had the strength to stop that ship. It was her, it was her love and her pain that made it possible. I would do anything for her. _

Lena felt tears rolling down her cheeks. She had never heard exactly what happened on the ocean frigate. She knew Kara had stopped it from making the jump but she had no clue how close they all were to being lost. She had no idea that it was Alex’s love that gave Kara the strength to save the ship. Lena loved Kara’s relationship with Alex even if she and Alex had not always seen eye to eye. Lena loved that she was able to gather strength from her sister and she wished that she had that same sisterly connection.

Lena wasn’t too upset. She did have someone she would fight to the ends of the earth for. She had someone she would die for. Even after all of the lies, deceit and betrayal, it was and always would be Kara that Lena would stop an out of control ship for. She was furious with Kara. She didn’t know if she could ever forgive her but she would never let anything bad happen to her. She loved her too much to ever truly let go. 


	5. Right There Beside You

_DAY 13_

_So, Snapper fired me from CatCo for self publishing my story about Cadmus. He said I violated all of the rules and took a huge risk but I told him I did what I thought was right. I followed my conscience like I always do. I guess maybe I should be more upset but it has allowed me to spend more time with Mon-El and that has been wonderful._

_Mon-El was so sweet. He showed up at my apartment with potstickers (Yummy!) and he made me feel so much better. The truth is, balancing my life as Kara Danvers, Supergirl and trying to have a social life is near impossible. Maybe it’s good to take a break and just explore my time with Mon-El._

“Jesus. Why do I keep reading this stuff? It’s like watching a train crash on repeat. I know I should look away but the devastation is hard to look away from.”

“Blah…Mon-El…blah Mon-el, Blah”, Lena said as she skimmed through passages. She stopped on something that made her heart break.

_We watched movies and Mon-El told me he wanted to watch a musical. Can you believe it? I told him we have to watch Funny Face. It’s the best! I also told him I was dopey grin butterflies in my stomach happy because I am. I thought I would only ever feel that way with Lena but those moments are so fleeting they are hard to hold onto._

“Oh Kara. I felt that way too. I hate that he made you feel as happy as I did. I loved that dopey grin so much. You gave me the same silly dopey grin and butterflies. I wish you knew that.”

_I love having all of this time to just sit around and be with Mon-El._

“Nope. Moving on Kara. I can’t deal with this.”

Lena skimmed down further to something that had interested her for a long time. She was dragged into the Daxamite drama by Rhea but so much happened before she was approached by the evil queen under the guise of starting a partnership.

“Me and my freaking mommy issues. I really need to speak to someone about that. Damn you Lillian.”

Lena turned the page and found an envelope inserted between the next two pages. She opted to read the entry first before reading the contents of the envelope.

_DAY 14_

_Things were good while they lasted. Okay, how do I condense this? So, an announcement was made on all of the TVs and radios in National City demanding that Mon-El be turned over to some weird ship of invaders. They provided no explanation and Mon-El pretended that he didn’t know what it was all about._

_It turns out that the lying, backstabbing, Daxamite is actual the crown price of Daxam and the invaders were his mother, Queen Rhea and his father, Lars Gand. They wanted Mon-El to come back to Daxam and help them rebuild._

_When I found out he lied to me I was so angry. All I could think of was how betrayed I felt. He had every opportunity to tell me who he was but he never did and I had to find out in the most embarrassing way. Mon-El even told the story of how he escaped Daxam by abandoning his servant and stealing the ship of a murdered Kryptonian. I was so disgusted._

_I told him that this changed everything. I was so repulsed. I don’t even know who he is. He is a complete stranger to me. He said he tried to tell me but it never felt right. I was crushed. I felt like he didn’t trust me. I felt like he lied for so long and I knew I could never forgive his betrayal._

Lena opened the envelope when she reached the end of the page. It was a letter from Kara.

_Lena, my heart,_

_I read through this passage and realized exactly how you felt when you found out about me. I hadn’t remembered the words I wrote down or the things I felt when I found out about Mon-El. When I re-read the passage I realized that it must be exactly what you were feeling and I cannot tell you how sorry I am. Your disgust mirrored my disgust. I felt like I hated him and didn’t want to see him again and I know that is how you feel about me. Lena, you may never forgive me but all I can tell you is how sorry I am for all of the pain I have caused you and tell you just how much I love you. I love you so much and I am so sorry._

_Your Kara eternally_

Lena looked at the paper. It was stained with Kara’s tears. Two tears fell from Lena’s cheeks and contributed to the spread of the ink.

“Well, at least she admits to the absurdity. It would have been worse if she didn’t make the connection.”

Lena exhaled sharply.

_Mon-El did everything he could to try and get me to forgive him. He told me he loved me but I knew it just wasn’t meant to be. He could tell me he loved me all he wanted but all I feel is sickening betrayal. We broke up and I’m glad we did. I just knew that it was too hard and we are too different._

_I’m completely depressed. I need potstickers, rocky road ice cream and a rom-com full of tears. I’ll call Alex and see if she can tear herself away from Maggie._

_Ugh…I try not to be jealous of Maggie but I do miss the days when I could just call Alex and have her come running. Yikes. I can’t believe I just wrote that. I can never let Alex know I feel that way. She loves Maggie so much and jealousy is not a pretty color on me. I am such a mess._

_I haven’t heard from Lena in a while and I miss her. I miss her smile, her voice, her beautiful clothes, those gorgeous eyes. Focus Kara. I need sleep. I’m a mess._

Lena read the last passage and her heart ached.

“You loved me so much and I never had a clue. Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t I see it? Maybe I was the idiot for not seeing it in your beautiful eyes. God I miss you so much.”

Lena flipped to the next page.

“Blah blah blah…more Mon-El. Bounty on Kara’s head grrrr, Mon-El’s family to blame, Kara rescues Mon-El because she cares about him. Ugh. I am so over this. Is it terrible that I’m looking forward to when we poison the atmosphere with lead? Wow. I can’t believe I just said that out loud. Who thinks like that? Yikes.”

Lena flipped through the pages until she landed on something she needed to read. It was something she and Kara hadn’t spoken about since it happened. She laid her hand on the page and closed her eyes. She prepared herself for what she hoped would be an honest reflection on one of the worst days of Lena’s life.

_DAY 15_

_Lena came to see me at my apartment today. I was in the middle of trying to bake. I am not a good baker. I’m awful. Things have been boring at the DEO without any real crime happening. Lena asked if I was grief baking. She had no idea. Everyone is just sitting around twiddling their thumbs doing their spring cleaning. It’s so strange to have this downtime. I hate having all of this time to think. Mon-El is great but every time I see Lena, my earth shatters. Every time I see her, my heart quakes with love and longing._

_Anyway, Lena was stunning. Of course she was. She is always stunning. She was wearing her blue coat. I love her in that coat. I love her in everything she wears. She wore her signature ruby lip and a very shocking vulnerability. It was strange to see her so shaken. She explained that she was invited to a press conference for Spheerical Industries latest unveiling. She also explained that she had a past with the CEO of Spheerical Industries, Jack Spheer._

_I can’t explain just how jealous I was when she talked about their past. I smiled and nodded my head like a good friend but I wanted to scream. I hated that she loved anyone like that. I know I’m a horrible person. I can’t believe I could even think that way but seeing Lena’s eyes get all dreamy made me so sad. I want to be the person she thinks about that way. I need to get a grip._

_I digress…anyway, Lena explained that she dated Jack for two years but worked side-by-side with him for five years. I think that’s what makes me more jealous. He was her intellectual equal. He probably stoked a fire in her I never could. The way she talked about their work made my heart ache. I had to hold back the tears. I sound pathetic. Lena can never know I thought this way. My God. She would probably think I was such a loser._

“No Kara. I don’t think you’re a loser. You have always stoked a fire in me. Maybe you’re not into the science but Kara, every conversation you and I have ever had has stimulated me and excited me. Don’t you think I was jealous of Mon-El? Don’t you think I wanted to be the person you confided in? Don't you think I wish I had super powers so I could help you? It’s kind of sweet how unraveled you got.”

Lena continued to read.

_The thing that really killed me like a stab to the heart was when she said that Jack was her kryptonite. I wanted to die right there. I wanted to tell her that I am Supergirl and I am actually affected by kryptonite but she is my emotional kryptonite. She is my weakness and my strength. God, I hate this so much._

_Like a fool, I agreed to go with her to the press conference because I love her and she didn’t want to go alone but I knew…I just knew I would have to watch Lena get all dreamy eyed for this Jack guy. Oh God. Remind me to tear these pages out of this diary._

_When we got to the press conference, Snapper was there in his usual creepy weasel costume. I wasn’t there to get a story at first but when I saw him I got so mad. I was already filled with a jealous hostility towards a man I had never met but Snapper really made me angry._

_When Jack Spheer came on stage, I watched Lena’s face and my heart broke. She really did care for him. I was so jealous I wanted to shoot him with my laser vision and grab her in my arms. I wanted to confess my love and tell her that I never wanted to let her go. _

Lena let out a loud belly laugh.

“Why is that such a hilarious image? You, dressed as Kara Danvers shooting Jack with your laser vision and grabbing me in your arms? Talk about an alternate universe. Oh Kara, I love seeing how crazy you really are but it still makes me sad at the same time that you had to suffer this way. You aren’t a perfect snowflake and that makes me love you more. So much more.”

_Jack found us after the press conference. Lena’s smile was huge. I know in my heart she has smiled that big for me but it felt awful to see her smile that way for anyone else. Jack looked at me and acknowledged the fact that I threw a question at him. There was something about his posture and his attitude that really got me. I wanted to say “you know I could kick your butt, right?”_

“Why is this so cute? You’re adorable Kara.”

_Lena introduced me as one of the best reporters in National City and then I disappeared from her thoughts. They just stood there talking and I felt a sadness wash over me. I was so used to Lena putting me first. It felt awful. I made a hasty exit and left them alone._

_On my way out I was accosted by a Spherical Industries whistleblower. He said he knew Jack Spheer and he wanted to meet. He said he read my article about Cadmus and knew I would seek the truth. He wasn’t wrong. Separate from my disdain for the man as a romantic rival, if Jack was up to no good I needed to find out. I needed to protect my Lena._

_I have a meeting with him this evening to discuss what he knows. I just hope the information he has is solid but I also don’t want to break Lena’s heart. As much as I don’t want Jack to steal my Lena away, I know exposing anything nefarious about him would probably destroy her. With the way she looked at him, I can’t be sure she would even side with me._

_I’ll write more later._

_DAY 16_

_Woah! Woah! Woah! Okay…so I met with my whistleblower Joe Watkins last night and after he explained that Biomax may have faked their human trials, he was literally eaten by a giant nano-swarm. Jack Speer’s nano-swam literally ate my source. It was crazy._

_I spied on Snapper and overheard him talking about meeting with another source who was part of the human trials. Jack’s nano-swarm attacked his source as well and I was barely able to swoop in as Supergirl and save Snapper. He never said thank you by the way._

_Jack Spheer is bad. I can feel it in my bones. Two sources eaten. This story about Biomax is never going to get written._

“I know how this ends Kara. I don’t know if I can read this. Maybe another skim.”

Lena read a few lines that stood out to her.

_I dragged Mon-El to the restaurant to find Lena. I knew it was wrong to show up in person but I was fueled by a weird jealous madness. I mean, yes, I believe Jack is evil and I need to keep Lena away from him so she doesn’t get hurt but I also hate his stupid face and wish she was going out on a date with me. Dragging Mon-El along with me was awful but I had to do it. _

“Stupid face? Oh Kara. I love how sweet your insults are.”

_Lena was so gorgeous my heart leapt from my chest and died for a moment. She was wearing this absolutely breathtaking red dress. I hated that she was wearing that dress for him and not for me. God, I’m grossing myself out with this jealousy._

Lena caressed the page with her hand and smiled.

“I can feel how much you love me with every word. I was just as jealous of you and Mon-El Kara. I just didn’t have the guts to write it down and give it to you. I can’t judge you for any of this with the way I hated Mon-El.”

_The worst part was when Jack told Lena about how he figured out how to make the nano-bots work. Rao help me! He got all gushy eyed and Lena hung on his every word. Thank Rao Mon-El dragged me away. I couldn’t handle much more. I felt sick to my stomach listening to him._

Lena continued to skim for her own sanity and reading about poor Kara’s heartache and jealousy was too much for Lena to bare.

_I had to go to Lena’s office and show her the evidence about Jack. It was horrible. I saw the pain in her eyes. She swore she wouldn’t go see him but I know her. Of course I know her. I love her._

“You did know me really well. You knew I would never run away from confronting Jack myself. I felt so betrayed.”

Lena skipped down.

_Lena saved my life. She saved Supergirl’s life and in the process, she had to kill Jack. Beth told her he would die but she chose me anyway. I know it wasn’t Kara but I felt so much love when Lena chose to save Supergirl. I can’t explain it. I loved her so much because I felt like she chose good. She chose the light. I loved her because I know how much she cared about Jack and she chose me anyway. I loved her so much because I was so scared I was going to die and never be able to tell her how I feel about her. Not now. Some day. She made the hard choice but in the end I was more convinced than ever before that Lena is my soulmate. I would make any sacrifice for her and I know she would make any sacrifice for me. I love her so much._

“I felt like you were my soulmate too. I was convinced you would have to be with the way you believed in me from day one.”

_I feel terribly guilty for being so jealous. I’m not like that. I always try to find the good in everyone and I do want Lena to be happy. Is it too much to ask that Lena be happy with me?_

“Oh God Kara. You poor thing.”

_Rao, please keep my confidence. This is all to embarrassing. I can’t even tell Alex. That’s how bad this is._

_DAY 17_

_I went to see Lena at her office today. I brought her flowers. I wish I could afford more. I wish I could fill her world with flowers._

_She looked so broken. She was wearing this navy blue dress. It was so somber, so dark for her. It looked like something she borrowed from someone else. It broke my heart._

_She told me the flowers were beautiful but her voice was so robotic, so cold. I felt like she was broken because of me. She was broken because she chose Supergirl over Jack and I hated that I caused that pain._

“Kara, you didn’t cause anything. I made my choice and I have never had a single regret. I didn’t know Supergirl was also my Kara. I just knew that I needed to protect you. I knew the world was a better place with you in it. I knew that I loved you as Supergirl because you saved me and protected me.”

Lena read on. She could feel her emotions rising. Her heart ached with longing.

_I asked Lena how she was feeling and she told me a story about Lillian and how she reacted on the day Lex was arrested. She talked about how she was feeling cold and calm but she felt warm when she she pictured Beth dying in prison. Lena’s eyes were so dark and so distant._

_She was so scared because she said Luthors don’t handle loss well. She said she had lost so many people. She wasn’t wrong. She had lost her family. She had very few people in her world that loved her unconditionally._

_I told her she would never lose me and I meant it. I would fight to the ends of the earth for her. I would bleed, and suffer and die just to know that she was okay. It broke my heart when she said that she was sure she was going to be very scared when she started to feel again. I never want her to be afraid. I never want her to feel an ounce of pain or negativity. How can I protect her? I need to protect her from all of the villainy in the world. I may not be able to protect everyone in my life that I love but Lena is precious. She is pure. She is mine and I am hers whether she knows it or not. I will always protect her and I will always defend her._

_I wrapped my arms around her and told her that she had no reason to be afraid and that I wasn’t going anywhere. I meant it. I meant every word. I would never let go of Lena because I believe in her. I believe that her darkness will always be defeated by her beautiful heart and her light. I believe in her beauty, her strength and her courage. I believe in her as a friend, as a sister and as the love of my life. She doesn’t know that last bit of course._

_She asked me to promise that I would not go anywhere and I told her I would always be her friend and I would always protect her. I can’t imagine a day where I would have any other instinct. She is and always will be the most precious person to me. She will always be the person I protect above all others._

Lena ran her fingers over the last few paragraphs. Kara’s words were so genuine, so beautiful. Lena had already read many of these sentiments in the journal but on that day in particular, Lena knew she would never doubt Kara’s love or her uncanny ability to talk Lena down from any situation.

Lena read the final paragraph of the entry and she finally felt like she was getting closer to an answer.

_I can never tell Lena my secret. If she knows I’m Supergirl, she will never look at me the same again. She will look at Supergirl and see the person she sacrificed Jack for. I can’t have her look at Kara like that. I need her to look at me with the same love. If she ever finds out I’m Supergirl, she will hate me and I think if that happened, I would surely wither away and die. Lena is everything. Lena is my life, my love and my heart. I can’t stand the idea that she would ever look at me with anything but that signature grin and those beautiful bright green eyes. All I can do now is pray to Rao that Lena finds the peace to rest. Lena, wherever your head lays, I am right there beside you._


	6. Every Minute We’re Apart

Lena’s heart ached more and more with each word she read. She remembered every word Kara said to her the day she came to her office after Jack died. She remembered the smell of the flowers and the warmth of Kara’s arms. She remembered the way Kara held her close. She remembered being terrified about the way she felt, so cold and calm.

“That day was the day I knew you meant the world to me Kara. That was the day that I first had the courage to emotionally walk away from Lillian for good in my mind because I knew I had a new family. I had someone who would never leave me alone in the darkness. When you held me…something happened. I sat there next to you and I didn’t feel like I was sitting next to my best friend. I felt like I was being held by someone I never wanted to let go. When I held your hand on my shoulder and closed my eyes, I felt like I was in the safest place and nothing could hurt me. I’m not even sure I was really processing how I was feeling but there was a moment, a brief moment when I felt like you were going to kiss me. My mouth went dry, my chest fluttered like mad and it was all I wanted in the world. When you didn’t kiss me, I felt such a deep disappointment, it shook me to my core. I kicked myself for not kissing you but it felt wrong on the tail end of losing Jack. I wondered if you felt the same way.”

Lena pulled the journal close to her chest and held it for a moment. She was overcome with a feeling of love for Kara and a feeling of grief and anxiety knowing that she couldn’t talk to her. She wanted so desperately to tell Kara these things but she's knew she couldn’t just have her sit there and listen to her while she read hundreds of pages.

“I loved when you said that you wished you could fill my world with flowers. It was the sweetest most Kara thing you could have said. You have no idea how much that little arrangement meant to me. So few people in this world care about me. Looking at those flowers made me feel so loved.”

Lena’s head was pounding. All of the crying was starting to take an effect on her and she wasn’t used to being trapped inside for so long. No matter what pain or discomfort plagued her, she was determined to keep reading.

Lena looked at the clock.

“Not too early to start drinking.”

Lena closed the journal and carried it with her to the kitchen. She poured herself two fingers of scotch and drank it down in one fast gulp. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and smiled sadly.

“You wouldn’t approve Kara…I know. I know I need to be better about handling my feelings. We all have our strengths. Emotional stability isn’t one of my strong suits.

Lena filled the tumbler to the top and walked over to the couch. She sat down and continued to re-read the passages over and over. This entry in particular meant something to her. She loved it. She loved the warmth and sincerity conveyed in each line and she loved knowing exactly how Kara felt that day. It amused her to no end that they were both sitting there like anxious school girls wanting each other so bad but neither of them had the courage to say a word.

“Odd, Supergirl is the most courageous person in the universe and she was scared to kiss me. She can battle crazy aliens and heavily armed madmen but she was timid and shy with me. Why do I love that so much?”

Lena ran her fingers over her favorite lines.

_I may not be able to protect everyone in my life that I love but Lena is precious. She is pure. She is mine and I am hers whether she knows it or not._

“I love this so much Kara. ‘Lena is pure’? You really do love me unconditionally. I doubt anyone has ever thought I was pure. I had literally just told you I was afraid of going dark and you were so sweet and so loving. I was yours that day one hundred percent.”

_I believe that her darkness will always be defeated by her beautiful heart and her light. I believe in her beauty, her strength and her courage. I believe in her as a friend, a sister and the love of my life._

Lena ran her fingers over this passage a few times. She wanted these words burned into her mind. She wanted a snapshot to take with her always.

“How did you believe in me so much? You barely knew me. Did you really know I was the love of your life that day?”

_She is and always will be the most precious person to me. She will always be the person I protect above all others._

“You’re not wrong. You have protected me from everything that has come our way. I just wish you hadn’t protected me from the truth. I love you so much Kara. I hate being away from you. I miss you so much.”

As much as Lena wanted to stay in that moment she knew she needed to read on.

_DAY 18_

_Ugh! Maggie makes me so mad. Worst double date ever! I know I’ve said it before but Alex can never read this. She would be so upset but Maggie is so aggravating! We just had dinner with Alex and Maggie and Maggie got all bent out of shape because Supergirl helped the police rescue hostages and capture some bank robbers. Sorry Maggie. That’s kind of what I do for a living. She had the nerve to bring up the ‘Supergirl Defense’ and say that what I do is vigilante justice. I wanted to scream. She is just bitter because capturing these criminals can sometimes take the cops hours and it takes me and Clark mere seconds. She didn’t know what was going to happen. The bank robbers could have decided to shoot a hostage._

_She said that Supergirl should handle the big scary alien villains and leave protecting National City to the police. Umm…where does she get off saying something like that? Superman and Supergirl can’t turn it on and off and I think Maggie was just acting threatened and immature. I got upset and had to leave. More like stormed out like an impetuous child. I never get that upset but she just got under my skin._

_When it comes down to it, I think this is about Alex. I get the sense that Maggie is trying to start some kind of pissing contest and I have zero patience for that. Alex is my sister. I win!_

“Kara, you’re so sassy. Is it weird how much I love this? There’s something about seeing my dear sweet Kara get angry. You’re not wrong. Before you came to National City, the cops weren’t able to handle all of the crime. I researched the city extensively before I moved here. You have made the city a better safer place. Maggie was wrong and I’m glad you don’t have to deal with that anymore. You deserve better. You do so much for National City.”

_DAY 19_

_The last few days have been horrendous. I don’t even know how to write about this. I’ll do my best but I still feel shaken. She’s safe and everything is okay. That’s all that that matters. She’s okay._

Lena looked at the page and it looked like it was stained with tears like some of the other pages.

“My poor Kara. You spend so much of your time sad. No one would ever know it. That sweet beautiful smile of yours radiates warmth and joy. We would never know all of the anguish you go through. This journal is both a gift and a curse. It is a gift because I am finally starting to understand you. It’s a curse because I hate how much pain you have suffered through and I am sorry if I have been a contributor to that pain. No matter how angry I get, I don’t want you to feel pain or heartache. I hate when you suffer.”

Lena read on with the caveat that's she would skip ahead if things seemed too overwhelming to read.

_I was working at CatCo the morning after the disastrous double date when Maggie showed up out of the blue. I assumed she was there to apologize or continue the fight because she looked upset._

_She said that Alex went after me the night before and she assumed Alex crashed at my place. She never caught up with me, never returned to her place and never checked in at the DEO. I felt like I was hit by a kryptonite boulder. She was saying that Alex had vanished without a trace._

_My whole world fell apart when I got a call from someone masking their voice. He said that he had Alex and was going to kill her in 36 hours if I didn’t break out a man named Peter Thompson from Albatross Bay. He said he knew I could do it because he knew I was Supergirl. He showed me a picture of Alex laying on the floor and I lost it. I was so scared I could barely see straight. I felt completely exposed. My whole world shut down in an instant and I felt like he had splayed me open. The thing that scared me the most was that he might tell Lena._

_It was sad because all I wanted to do was call Lena. I wanted to call her and tell her Alex had been kidnapped and I was terrified. I wanted her there by my side to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay. Mon-El was there but he wasn’t helpful at all. With him it is always the easiest solution and not what’s right. I needed someone to just tell me that we would find Alex. I wanted to hear Lena’s voice so bad but I couldn’t call her. I knew the moment she heard my voice she would know there was something wrong and try to rush to my side. If this person knew I was Supergirl he might tell her and that would be devastating. I am going to be the one who tells Lena. She needs to hear it from me and no one else. She will hear it from me one day._

”At least I know you wanted to tell me.”

_Alex’s subdermal tracker was offline and we couldn’t find her. Mon-El asked why we didn’t just break Peter Thompson out of jail. Jeez. Like I said…not helpful. J’onn had to explain that we don’t negotiate with terrorists and that doing things like this would leave Supergirl and those she loved vulnerable to more criminals thinking they could manipulate her. Sometimes he can be a real idiot._

“Sometimes? He is so dense”, Lena said with a little chuckle.

_I was filled with a white-hot rage. Maggie said we needed to find out who Peter Thompson was and determine what he meant to the kidnapper. It was the first smart thing she had said in 48 hours._

_I went with J’onn and Maggie to see Peter Thompson at Albatross Bay and I totally flipped out. J’onn and Maggie tried to calm me down but I felt like he was wasting our time and trying to tease us. There are no words to describe how terrified I was. Losing Alex…well that was not an option._

_J’onn read Thompson’s mind and confirmed that he didn’t know anything about any plan to try and break him out. Maggie had the nerve to tell me that losing control wasn’t going to get us anywhere but how could she say that? This was Alex we were talking about. I would do anything for my sister. Even go a little insane._

_DAY 19 Continued_

_I was starting to feel too emotional writing this and I needed to take a break. The fear and anxiety of losing Alex is still plaguing me even though we have her back._

_We determined that Thompson had a biological son named Rick Malverne. Malverne was a boy Alex and I went to school with back in Midvale. He was beyond damaged from years of abuse and neglect. The only bright spot in his life was his father. He decided that he would gamble on manipulating me with his knowledge that I was Supergirl and my love for my sister to force my hand and get me to break Thompson out._

_Maggie finally snapped and went to Albatross Bay to break Thompson out herself. I convinced her that maybe we should speak to Thompson again._

_We got Alex back. She fought like the amazing warrior she is. During the process I made things so much worse by assuming I knew better than Maggie and it was a huge mistake. I just went crazy when I thought something might happen to my sister._

_We captured Malverne and Alex was able to punch him hard in the face. J’onn was also able to wipe his memory of my secret identity_

_Here’s the thing that’s bothering me._

_There are two people in my life that I love above all others. Alex and Lena. I have worked my whole adult life protecting Alex when I could, even before I became Supergirl. She has always been stronger, smarter and braver than me. In the back of my head I knew she would be okay. I knew she would prevail because she’s Alex. I was still driven mad with worry and regret._

_If anyone in this universe knew how much I loved Lena, they could do the same thing and try to manipulate me. The only difference that I don’t know that I wouldn’t have cut off Malvern’s legs with my laser vision if he had taken my Lena._

“Oh Kara. I am yours. I have always been yours. It didn’t matter who we dated or whether we fought, my heart has always been yours and I have always wanted you by my side. I miss you so much. I really believe you would cut someone’s legs off for me and somehow it’s romantic coming from you.”

_Lena is just as strong and brilliant as Alex but I think I would have completely gone dark if a hair on her head was harmed. Lena is my everything. I’m scared that if I tell Lena my secret one day, someone will try and use her against me and I don’t know how crazy I would go to try and bring her back home. I would do anything. Lena is my strength and my weakness. I wouldn’t even call her my kryptonite. I can heal from kryptonite. If she wanted to, she could end me. There is no limit to what I would do for her and that is dangerous because I can do a lot. I would do wrong to protect her, I would commit crimes to save her, I would maim someone to help her, I would kill to keep her safe. Lena is always worried about going dark. Now I know how it feels. Losing Lena is the only thing that could make me lose myself._

_She called when I was in the middle of trying to find Alex and for the first time since we met, I had to dismiss her. I hated the feeling. She needed me and no matter how big or small the ask was, I hated having to tell her I was too busy to talk to her because I always want to talk to her. It was just a terrible time and I knew if I talked to her for any longer she would know how scared I was. _

“I remember this. This is when I called you about Rhea. You’re right. You had never dismissed me before. I was a little taken aback. In retrospect, I think I jumped at the opportunity to work with Rhea purely because I was suffering through some mommy issues but I wish you had picked up that day and helped me. Maybe I wouldn’t have been such a sucker.”

_When I called her back after we found Alex and everything was settled, I got the strangest sense of happiness from her. I wish I could tell her about everything that happened. I asked Alex again if she thought I should tell Lena. She said no. I think she’s right for now. In the wake of Alex’s kidnapping, I realize that my secret is a burden. It is not some precious gift. It leaves the people closest to me vulnerable. I need to protect her. I need to love her and give her all of Kara’s love as a gift. She will always have my loyalty, love and support. I miss her so much. I need to see her._

_DAY 20_

_I am so in love with Lena I can barely function. I feel like a sixteen year old girl writing about her secret boy crush but I don’t care. Lena and I had an amazing lunch today and it was like old times. Oh Rao, how I missed her. I’ve been trying to get together with her for weeks and she kept having to cancel. I was starting to feel like she was pulling away from me. I admit that things have been crazier than usual with Mon-El’s parents showing up and trying to steal him away back to Daxam. There has been no shortage of catastrophes but I feel like I have Lena back._

“Oh my God Kara. How are you this cute? I can picture you saying this with your sweet little smile and that brightness in your beautiful blue eyes. Does that make me your secret boy crush? Mon-El…ugh. I wish I could redact all of the Mon-El stuff. Bleh.”

Lena grinned and continued to read.

_We talked NSYNC and she told me why she has been so busy. She told me that she has a new partner she is working on a new project with. Her smile was so beautiful and infectious. I love seeing her so excited. Rao, I love her so much. Can you just make her mine already? _

“I’m divided. I don’t think I can read about the embarrassing Rhea events but this is also the cutest entry so far. She is so adorable. ‘Can you just make her mine already?’…I mean come on. I miss you so much Kara. You are so damn adorable it hurts.”

_She says her new project involves quantum entanglement and polyatomic anions which is totally fascinating. I wish I didn’t have to pretend to be clueless with her. I would love to hear more about her project but she would never understand how Kara Danvers, reporter for CatCo could possibly understand what she is saying. The whole thing reminded me of that terrible dinner where I had to watch Lena get excited talking about nanotechnology with Jack. That was so awful. A little part of me was jealous that she has been spending her time with someone else but she seems genuinely happy and she said she is like a mentor. I know how badly Lena needs a good mentor. Lillian hardly fits the bill. I was just so happy to see Lena smile the way she did._

”Jesus Kara. You were faking it? You actually understood what I was talking about? I know I should be angry that you lied about that too but it is kind of intriguing. Kryptonian and Daxamite science if far more advanced than earth science so you could probably teach me a thing or two. I just wish there weren’t so many lies Kara. I wish I knew how to feel but I am still so conflicted.”

_She seems so excited. I admit when she talks about her projects it takes everything in me not to get too excited. I just keep my eyes on her gorgeous lips and wonder what it would feel like to kiss them. It works every time. She wore a pink lipstick today and I couldn’t help but daydream about leaning over the table and attacking her with kisses. Who am I kidding? I daydream about that all of the time. Poor Mon-El. It will never happen but a girl can wonder._

“If I knew you wanted to attack me with kisses I definitely would have made it happen.”

_She wore that blue blouse…the soft one that feels velvety against my skin. Get a grip Kara. Jeez. She is so adorably brilliant. Her sweet smile makes me feel like whatever she is working on must be magical. She says what she is working on will blow me away. She blows me away. I adore her for so many reasons._

_She had to cut lunch short and run off to do testing but I felt so happy that we were finally able to just be us again. When we are apart for too long I start to feel like my life force is draining away and I just can’t smile. I guess that must be love._

_Lena, wherever you are, whatever cool project you’re working on…you’re brilliant and I love you. I love you and that beautiful brain of yours so much. I would give the world to be in your arms right now. Just know, I am in awe of your genius and your beauty and I miss you every minute we are apart. _


	7. More Than You Know

“I loved that lunch so much Kara. We have been through so much but that lunch will always stick out in my mind as one of my favorite moments. I felt like I found us again too. You were so adorable. So sweet. Knowing that you were faking your ignorance makes me sad. I wish we could have had conversations about my work together. I can just imagine how stimulating our conversations would have been with all of your Kryptonian knowledge.”

Lena ran her fingers over the words “_When we are apart for too long I start to feel like my life force is draining away and I just can’t smile.”_

**https://open.spotify.com/user/terukonf/playlist/5NO8v9zjsLlOiUIUMn2FrD?si=Ei6ytM66SOaU6mX7ZsL9bQ**

“My Kara, my sweet perfect Kara. You have no idea how much agony I feel not being able to talk to you. You have no idea how much I miss the sound of your voice, your adorable laugh, the way you love me and protect me. All I want to do is protect you. I just want to wrap you in my arms and keep you safe and tell you how much I love you. Every time I close my eyes I see your face. I don’t see Supergirl. I see you Kara. I see your hair pulled back, I see your cute little glasses and your sweet grin. You aren’t the only one who feels her life force draining away when we are apart. I feel like a shell of the woman I once was. I can’t smile or laugh or feel anything but sadness. Since the moment we met, all I have wanted was to be close to you. It felt a little strange for me at first because you had such a close knit group of friends who all adored you so much but you were always so warm and so kind. You were like a warm blanket and a blazing fire on a rainy night. You were my home, my safety, my reason for smiling and laughing. You always made me feel special. You always made me feel so loved.”

Lena broke down and buried her face in her hands. She wept uncontrollably. Her heart ached so bad she could barely breathe. Her hands shook and she fell over on the couch in the fetal position, gripping Kara’s gift tight.

“Why can’t I walk away from you? No matter how hard I try I can’t pull myself away. I HATE THIS! I hate this so much I just want to scream. I miss you so much Kara. Why? Why does it have to be this way? I would give everything just to hear your voice right now. Just to see your smile or hear about your day but I know I can’t. Not right now. Not while my heart is still so conflicted. All I feel are impediments, forces keeping us apart, whether it’s my hurt at your betrayal or the villainy of National City. Kara, I love you so much. I love you with everything I am or will ever be. My heart still isn’t ready to forgive you. I wish it was. I wish I could just throw everything away and give you my whole heart but I can’t. I want to give you my heart and my soul but maybe you’re too good. Maybe you’re too soft and warm. Maybe my Luthor darkness doesn’t deserve someone as perfect as you. I screwed up so bad. I was awful to you and you didn’t deserve it. You deserved my ear at the very least. I’m sorry I went so insane but I just hated that you lied. It was insanity but it was passionate insanity.”

Lena balled up even tighter on the couch and sobbed even harder.

“You lied to me Kara. You lied. You screwed up too. We both screwed up but at the end of the day, didn’t we love each other? I guess maybe we screwed up because we were on fire. You loved me and I loved you and we both made huge mistakes along the way. God, I love you so much and I am so sorry. I love you more than you’ll ever know.”

Lena pulled the journal close to her chest and held it tight. She lifted it to her lips and kissed the leather. The leather was soaked with Lena’s tears. She closed her eyes and continued to sob. She wished with every fiber of her being that she was kissing Kara. She wished with every fiber of her being that Kara was there holding her and caressing her cheek but she wasn’t.

Lena was sure that Kara was off somewhere saving someone’s life like she always was. All Lena knew was that no matter how angry she was about Kara’s betrayal, it didn’t matter today. Today, her heart ached for Kara and her heart felt nothing but longing and an incurable sorrow.

“Kara, wherever you are…I hate what happened. I hate it more than anything but I love you with all of my heart and I always will. I hope you are somewhere finding peace. I hope you can smile and laugh and be happy. I hope you sleep well tonight and find a brighter day tomorrow.”

Lena closed her eyes and fell fast asleep, exhausted from the day and exhausted from the agony that plagued her heart.


	8. You Mean The World To Me

Lena tried desperately to bury herself in her work. She dragged herself away from Kara’s diary, showered and made it into the office just before sunrise. Lena walked out onto her office balcony and stared up at the sky, the colors changing from dark hues to bright golds and reds. Sunrise. A new day.

“Maybe I’ll find some peace today”, Lena whispered to herself.

She knew she was becoming obsessed and she needed to step back. She could drown in Kara’s words but she knew she had to get back to her real life. She knew her hopes of being with Kara and letting go of her anger were a long shot. She decided to go into work and pretend everything was normal. She decided that denial had to be where she lived or she would go mad with heartache and pain. She prayed for peace but all she could think about was Kara’s gift waiting for her in her safe. All she could think about was Kara. Her deep blue eyes, her perfect smile, the contentment her voice brought Lena when she needed it most. There was no contentment these days.

Lena knew she had been awful to Kara. She knew that the things she had said and done were not the acts of a sane woman. They were the actions of a madwoman. A madwoman in love. They were the actions of a Luthor who believed she had been scorned but who was really hurt that Kara had not confided in her sooner.

She only slept for a few hours the night before. She read through hundreds of pages recounting everything Kara experienced and felt. Lena’s favorite passages were the ones where Kara explained why she couldn’t tell Lena her secret for so long.

Lena had been in the dark, cut off from knowing, so of course she assumed Kara’s lies were somehow a dig at their friendship, a sad commentary on how little Kara cared but after reading Kara’s beautiful words. she knew now she was wrong. Kara never meant to hurt her. She did what she did because she loved Lena with her whole heart.

She truly believed she was the least important person in Kara’s life, but now she could see that Kara loved Lena more than anyone else and her fear of losing Lena terrified her to the point of having to keep up a complicated charade.

Lena pushed the papers around on her desk for a while and then she gave in to her heavy heart. She grabbed her things and headed home before anyone could question why she was leaving again. She sent a quick email letting everyone know she was heading out for an important meeting and then she was gone in a flash.

When Lena returned to her apartment, she ran to her safe and opened it. She was nearing the end of the diary and she wondered what she would feel when she read the last few pages.

She changed back into her pajamas, poured an obscenely large glass of her favorite Irish whiskey and turned on the stereo low.

“You Mean The World To Me”, by Freya Ridings played in the background.

**https://open.spotify.com/track/1bC7e6WRkuFEeGSRAcsZwy?si=3gPiHI0iSu6EP2T6CIg2MA**

Lena returned to the couch and and cracked open the journal.

_Lena hates me and I feel like my life is over. If Lena is out there hating me, if Lena is out there not loving me, there is no joy, there is no laughter, there is no peace. I will never feel contentment again. I would run through kryptonite for her, I would choose her above all others, I would die for her if she asked me to. I would give up everything I have, everything I will ever have just to see her smile at me one more time. Not a fake smile. A real genuine smile where I know just how much she loves me. I would risk it all to be by her side. I just hate that she was so angry. What am I going to do?_

This one paragraph said it all. She read line after line and her heart burned to hold Kara in her arms. Tears fell down her cheeks as she felt the last of her anger melt away like droplets of water in a hot frying pan. She ran her hand along the words on the page, tears falling onto the paper, obscuring the words after she read them like a self destruct sequence.

“I can’t do this anymore Kara. I can’t be away from you. I am so sorry. I am so sorry I’ve been so cruel to you. The only reason I got so upset was because you matter. You have always mattered more than anyone else in my life. You believed in me when no one else did. You are my family, you are my home. I love you so much and I don’t know how you could possibly forgive me. Kara, please forgive me for being so awful to you. I love you.”

Lena fell over onto the couch and buried her head in the pillow. She wept so hard her body shook and her muscles fatigued quickly from her clenching in agony.

“I need you Kara. I need you so bad. I am so sorry. I went crazy but I love you. Please forgive me Kara.”

Lena gasped for air through her sobs.

Suddenly, Lena heard the unmistakeable sound of Kara’s cape flapping in the wind. She could hear the moment Kara’s boots hit the ground. Lena pressed her body up enough to see Kara standing in the balcony doorway.

“Hi Lena”, Kara said keeping a respectful distance.

Lena got off the couch and grabbed the journal. She moved quickly to Kara’s side, wiping the tears from her eyes and fighting her disbelief.

Lena stopped just short of the balcony.

“Kara? How are you here?”

“You said you needed me Lena. I will always be by your side if you need me”, Kara said with a genuine softness.

“I didn’t say it that loud.”

“All you have to do is whisper and I will hear you. I will always hear you”, Kara stepped forward a couple inches. “Have you been crying?”

“I haven’t stopped since you gave me the diary. It was a beautiful gift. It means so much to me that you trusted me with something so precious. I can’t believe you let it out of your hands.”

Lena folded up the journal and tried to hand it back to Kara.

Kara put a hand up in protest.

“You don’t understand Lena. The journal is yours. I needed to show you how much I trust you.”

“But if you give it to me you would have to trust me to keep it safe always”, Lena took a step towards Kara and gave her a little smile through her tears.

“That’s the point Lena. I trust you with all of my heart. You have my heart, my love and now you have proof that I trust you more than anyone else in my life. No one has ever seen that diary. No one. Please keep it close to you. It’s one long love letter to you anyway.”

Lena was touched to her core. She moved to Kara and placed a hand on her cheek. She looked deep into Kara’s eyes and smiled sweetly. Kara moved her hand on top of Lena’s and smiled back. Her eyes began to tear up.

“I missed you so much Lena.”

“I missed you too Kara. I am so sorry for everything I’ve said and done. You mean the world to me. You always will. Your words made me feel so much closer to you. I just wish you were there with me when I was reading them.”

“Please don’t be angry with me but I heard every word you said. You may have not wanted to see me but I always watch over you. I will always be here to make sure you are safe and warm. Every word you said was beautiful and heartbreaking and real. I felt like you were speaking to me.”

Lena set the journal down on the table and moved her other hand to Kara’s cheek. She caressed her skin softly with her thumb and thought about all of Kara’s beautiful words.

“Do you really love me...I mean...did you mean what you said in the diary about being in love with me?”

“Of course I did Lena. I meant every word. Every second since the day we met, I have felt more intensely about you than I have for anyone else in my life. No one I ever dated held a candle to my love and passion for you. I tried to fight my love for you. I tried to convince myself that you were too good for me, too sophisticated, too perfect.”

Lena chuckled and wrapped her arms around Kara’s neck.

“I am hardly perfect Kara. You know how mean I can be. You know I am constantly battling my inner demons. You’re the perfect one. Your heart is so soft and so warm. You love with every fiber of your being and you are the most loyal and brave person I have ever met. Your heart is so kind that I fell madly in love with you instantly. You have always been my love, my protector, my heart. You care for everyone and you ask for nothing in return. I have been so awful Kara. I am so sorry.”

“So, you meant what you said out loud? You’re in love with me too?”

Lena pulled Kara closer, their faces were only centimeters apart. She caressed Kara’s head softly and smiled so much her face hurt.

“Do you remember that day in my office after Jack died?”

“Of course. You read about it.”

“I knew I was in love with you. I knew it was love but I was scared.”

“What were you scared of?”

“How could a person so warm and so soft love someone as dark and hardened as me.”

“I told you I would always be there that day and I meant it. You are not dark and hardened Lena.”

Lena let out another big laugh and pulled back a little.

“Everyone thinks I’m evil Kara. I do nothing to help that reputation along. You are the only one who ever believed in me.”

Kara wrapped her arms around Lena’s waist tight and pulled her in very close. She looked into her eyes and rubbed her cheek against Lena’s gently. She closed her eyes as she spoke, her words, whispered with genuine love and devotion.

“They don’t know you the way I know you Lena. No matter how much your Luthor anger tries to take hold, the goodness in you will always persevere because you are good Lena. I can’t say it enough. Your heart is warm and sweet. The way you love me shows that. I don’t care about your anger or anything you’ve said or done in the past. Your light will always shine through and I will always love every part of you...Luthor and all.”

Kara leaned back and gave Lena her beautiful perfect smile. It was the smile that Lena fell in love with. It was the smile that Lena knew was hers and hers alone.

“I will love you for all of my days Kara. I promise to guard your secret with my life and I promise I will give you my heart completely. I am so sorry for the hurtful things I said to you. You never deserved that. I don’t know how you could love me. I feel horrible.”

Kara caressed Lena’s head and whispered softly.

“I will love you with all my heart until the end of time. I will love you until my very last breath. I will love you as long as their is a sky above us and the earth below us. I will love you through time and space and no distance will ever diminish my love, passion, respect or need to protect you. You are and always will be my love. Please just remember that Lena. I will always be with you.”

“Can I kiss you now?”, Kara asked with a sparkle in her eyes and a little upturned grin.

Lena beamed but her tears still continued to flow. Now she was crying but they were tears of joy.

“Only you would ask for permission to kiss me. I love you so much Kara Danvers and yes, please kiss me.”

“I love you too Lena. To the end of time and back”

Kara smiled and pressed her lips softly to Lena’s. Kara placed her hands on Lena’s back, pressing and kneading her flesh, taking in every beautiful moment. Lena kissed Kara back with an unbridled passionate fervor, refusing to pull back until she could barely breathe.

Kara and Lena stood out on the balcony under a blanket of sparkling stars, finally wrapped together the way they were meant to be, in each other’s arms. They kissed passionately, longingly, until they were both too tired to stand. Lena took Kara’s hand and guided her into her apartment to continue their joyful reunion.

The great mediator, Kara’s diary sat on the table, unaware, as inanimate objects are, of it’s role in the greatest love story of all time.

“I Found You”, by Alabama Shakes played in the background.

**https://open.spotify.com/track/4gdJnDmtX8gNVrb25dmRj2?si=QoBGki0vQnCd4sIsZ0Gmww**

Supercorp is Endgame! Supercorp will be canon! Supercorp Forever!

As always, my sincerest thanks to all of you for reading. My heart goes into each one of these stories and I will always be truly grateful to all of you for sticking with me.


End file.
